Hi, I'm not really sure what to write. But I feel like I have to write anyway. I don't care if 0 people read it or even just 1 does. This is my broken life and my best attempts to keep afloat. It's not pretty, it's pretty emo at times but you can't say I didn't warn you.
My mom text(ed?) me earlier saying we couldn't have Maynard's* birthday at the somewhat local major theme park because my sister and her family couldn't afford it. They all have jobs, they all work and they went on a cruise this year. So don't tell me after you bought you and your husband a brand new motorcycle and a years' worth of insurance for it that you don't have the money to make a 6 year old boys birthday party because you're "broke".
I know I'm on a lot of pain killers for my back, which is a blog post unto itself; but I can't help but feel like I'm not being told the complete truth. It's not about the money, it's about being seen. And who you're seen with. My sister is embarrassed of me because: I take prescription narcotics despite them being legally prescribed to me. Because I have that übersexy laundry list of side effects of being Anorexic for so long. Oh, and I'm transgender. Well, not really. I tell those that aren't familiar with the LGBT alphabet I'm transgendered but in reality:
I'm Third Gender. I'll never forget the feeling of putting on women's clothes in H&M after getting bored with the men's side. It was like...I stumbled upon the key to happiness I would have never found if it weren't for that one time I wandered over. I've been on hormones for 2 years, so hopefully that will quicken the time for SRS.
I feel alone in being third gender. I'm not attracted to women. Not cis women anyway. Men don't understand. I've already been assaulted for being who I am. Another time I had a man meet me only to leave saying "I don't believe you're really a woman." so I stopped trying. I know there are sites that cater to people like myself but I feel like those that don't fit the norm are fetishized instead of real intimacy. I don't want to be this object you lust after because you see me as an object. I want to be wanted because of genuine love.
Sorry to leave the first blog on such a shitty note...but at least it's a start right?
*Not his real name
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